http://www.storyhack.com/2006/06/23/oasis-chapter-2/ Action Adventure Fiction and Other Stuff from Bryce Beattie Wed, 28 Jul 2010 23:31:45 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.0 http://www.storyhack.com/2006/06/23/oasis-chapter-2/comment-page-1/#comment-5101 SMEAR Fri, 13 Mar 2009 18:31:54 +0000 http://www.storyhack.com/2006/06/23/oasis-chapter-2/#comment-5101 Your doing just fine so far...don't take all opinions too seriously. Some people always find something to complain about. Your doing just fine so far…don’t take all opinions too seriously. Some people always find something to complain about.

]]> http://www.storyhack.com/2006/06/23/oasis-chapter-2/comment-page-1/#comment-63 Story Hack - Oasis: Chapter 1 Tue, 19 Jun 2007 21:14:05 +0000 http://www.storyhack.com/2006/06/23/oasis-chapter-2/#comment-63 [...] next – Chapter 2: Scene At The Hospital  [...]

]]> http://www.storyhack.com/2006/06/23/oasis-chapter-2/comment-page-1/#comment-55 Cory Tue, 19 Jun 2007 18:17:51 +0000 http://www.storyhack.com/2006/06/23/oasis-chapter-2/#comment-55 I think this segment is a lot better written than the first one. All that I would do differently here is not be so stingy with the description of what the scene looked like at the lock-down site. I would slow that scene down, take a better look at what is going on, and then move on from there. I want to know if there are tanks or armed humvees in the vicinity; how many military personnel there appear to be; if there are Army helicopters circling overhead; how the area was cordoned off; if there was dust in the air; etc. I want a better idea of what was occuring in all that pandemonium. This scene seems like it should be a real jaw-dropper, so we need to see it in all its forceful imagery and reality-altering craziness. I think this segment is a lot better written than the first one. All that I would do differently here is not be so stingy with the description of what the scene looked like at the lock-down site. I would slow that scene down, take a better look at what is going on, and then move on from there. I want to know if there are tanks or armed humvees in the vicinity; how many military personnel there appear to be; if there are Army helicopters circling overhead; how the area was cordoned off; if there was dust in the air; etc. I want a better idea of what was occuring in all that pandemonium. This scene seems like it should be a real jaw-dropper, so we need to see it in all its forceful imagery and reality-altering craziness.

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