Comments on: Oasis: Chapter 2 http://www.storyhack.com/2006/06/23/oasis-chapter-2/ Action Adventure Fiction Fri, 05 Sep 2008 23:21:50 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.5.1 By: Story Hack - Oasis: Chapter 1 http://www.storyhack.com/2006/06/23/oasis-chapter-2/#comment-63 Story Hack - Oasis: Chapter 1 Tue, 19 Jun 2007 21:14:05 +0000 http://www.storyhack.com/2006/06/23/oasis-chapter-2/#comment-63 [...] next - Chapter 2: Scene At The Hospital  [...] [...] next - Chapter 2: Scene At The Hospital  [...]

]]> By: Cory http://www.storyhack.com/2006/06/23/oasis-chapter-2/#comment-55 Cory Tue, 19 Jun 2007 18:17:51 +0000 http://www.storyhack.com/2006/06/23/oasis-chapter-2/#comment-55 I think this segment is a lot better written than the first one. All that I would do differently here is not be so stingy with the description of what the scene looked like at the lock-down site. I would slow that scene down, take a better look at what is going on, and then move on from there. I want to know if there are tanks or armed humvees in the vicinity; how many military personnel there appear to be; if there are Army helicopters circling overhead; how the area was cordoned off; if there was dust in the air; etc. I want a better idea of what was occuring in all that pandemonium. This scene seems like it should be a real jaw-dropper, so we need to see it in all its forceful imagery and reality-altering craziness. I think this segment is a lot better written than the first one. All that I would do differently here is not be so stingy with the description of what the scene looked like at the lock-down site. I would slow that scene down, take a better look at what is going on, and then move on from there. I want to know if there are tanks or armed humvees in the vicinity; how many military personnel there appear to be; if there are Army helicopters circling overhead; how the area was cordoned off; if there was dust in the air; etc. I want a better idea of what was occuring in all that pandemonium. This scene seems like it should be a real jaw-dropper, so we need to see it in all its forceful imagery and reality-altering craziness.

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