The One Survival Skill

I was watching a movie the other day, and I realized something.

When the poop hits the fan, there is one survivor skill you will always need.

No matter what’s going on in your life: you need to stop a terrorist, you’re being hunted by the FBI/mafia/Girl Scouts, you are looking for a long buried treasure, giant robots are battling in the street, you’re being chased by zombies, you realize that you really do love that girl and she just walked out or anything else, it doesn’t matter.

No other skill will save you as often or as efficiently.

It doesn’t matter if you can hack a computer, fight with a sword, sweet-talk like nobody’s business, or make a bomb out of everyday objects. In fact, those things are nice, but at the end of the day, if you don’t also have the one survival skill, you’re toast.

Here is the secret, according every single action movie filmed over the past ten years:

If you want to survive anything, you’d better well rush out and buy yourself a pair of… running shoes. And you’d better start running every morning.

Running is the one survival skill.

When all else fails, your legs are the key to your survival. The ability to run at a dead sprint for long stretches of time is the one skill all modern action heroes share.

I could go on about why, but I think the point is best proven by example:

The Bourne Movies: Holy crap, Jason Bourne can run. I mean, I think he averaged 5.73 on-screen running miles per movie. He does have a number of other useful skills: hacking cell phones, using anything as a weapon, etc., but he always goes back to the old standby: running. And it seems to have kept him alive this far.

Casino Royale: Even James Bond has to book it. Generally it’s to catch a terrorist (the guy with the backpack, the guy who’s going to blow up the plane)

Transformers: Giant robots are destroying the city. Cars and debris are flying everywhere. Megatron is awake and pissed. The valiant Autobots are sacrificing themselves left and right, and what does the fate of mankind come down to? That’s right, the kid’s ability to beat cheeks over to the white building with statues on it, and then run up all 700 flights of stairs.

National Treasure: Question- How are you going to escape the bad guys chasing you, your new girlfriend and your plucky comic relief through the streets/markets of Philadelphia? That’s right, you run.

Blood & Chocolate: Scary people release the comic book artist into the forest and turn into wolves. It’s a good thing the boy can run. And run. And run. As a side note, I’d just like to say it’s slightly embarrassing to admit that I actually watched this movie.

The Incredibles: The whole family does a lot of running, down corridors, away from giant robots, through forests…

And going back in time a little-

Indiana Jones: Giant boulder, anyone?

Jurassic Park: Lots of running from those pesky thunder lizards.

I think I’ve made my point? Where have you guys seen the one survival skill in action?

4 thoughts on “The One Survival Skill

  1. Goodness, where ISN’T it in action? Name any vampire movie ever made … how you gonna get away? Run, fo’, run!!

    Alien/Aliens/Alien 3/Alien Resurrection – Run, bitch!! RUN!!!

    Dawn of the Dead – Oh yeah; you got it. You’re feelin’ me now.

    The Blob – I see a trend here …

    War of the Worlds – How far is Boston, exactly? And how you gonna get there? That’s right, stumpy Tom Cruise — you’re gonna run for it, man.

    When a Stranger Calls — Gotta make it from the unbelievable 47,000 square-foot, three-story mansion to the tiny guest house without being caught by a serial killer? What do YOU think the best method for transport is? You know it, B-squared. (This one was set up nicely, though, and I don’t usually think horror movies ARE, so that’s saying something for them.)

    The Running Man – Dude. Do I even need to say it?

    I, Robot – Evil robots about to kick your well-padded gluteus maximus? Run, man. Run.

    Predator – ‘Nuff said here, too.

    Any Mad Max Movie – Mel Gibson, hair flying behind him, racing through the Australian Outback in leather. I’m not gay, but … hubba hubba.

    Phantasm – When the super-tall creepy mortician is hurling silver, shiny orbs of brain-matter-extracting death at your face, you know what YOU’RE gonna do? That’s right. Say it with me.

    Godzilla – ANY of ’em. The Japanese ones, the much cooler (IMHO) ’98 version in NYC, comin’ to help or comin’ to whip ass — all the populace can do? Oh yeah.

    Texas Chainsaw Massacre, The Hills Have Eyes, any movie with a title starting “Halloween” or “Friday the …” — the list goes on and on.

    Nice observation, Bryce. Man, if I could run like the people in the movies … I’d be able to see my belt buckle again.

    Have a good one, bud!

  2. and lest we forget, OASIS! Ol’ Corbin has got to have a GREAT pair of running shoes to have survived as well as he has so far. Good read Bryce.

  3. Mmmm, howbout the brotherhood of the ring running from the Balrog? Ah, yeaaaah! Gotta run from the fire-thingy with the whip.

    Han and Chewy do a lot of running. So does Luke.

    Does Gore do any running in “An Inconvenient Truth?” Howbout Michael Moore? Hah, sorry. Gratuitous political stab. Save the planet; run more. Heehee!

    Does the “Runaway Bride” count? She’s got shoes. She’s got legs. She’s got lungs. She runs.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *