How to talk to a parent that has lost a child.
Today (October 15th) is pregnancy and infant loss remembrance day. Yes, I know it’s a long and kind of dumb sounding name, but I believe it’s an important concept.
Keeping that in mind, I thought today would be a good day to share same ideas that everyone should know about talking to folks that are grieving.
What qualifies me?
Professionally, absolutely nothing. I’m not a councilor. I’m not a psychiatrist. I’m a programmer.
What I also am is a father who has lost a child. Eleven months ago, my wife and I had a stillborn son at 8 & 1/2 months. He was 8 lbs 3 ounces. I know what I have felt, what my wife has felt, and since our loss, we’ve had an awful lot of contact with other bereaved parents. So that is where I draw my ideas.
What to say
There are two things that need to be said. If you know someone that loses their baby and you can’t say anything else, at least say these:
- “I am so sorry for your loss.”
Just let the parents know you are aware of their pain. - “I love you.”
Everybody needs to hear it anyway, but especially when they’re going through pain. If you aren’t comfortable telling someone “I love you,” feel free to soften it a little and and say something like “We love you” if you’re in a relationship or “I love you guys” if you are talking to both parents. If you’re not with your significant other just make it, “My wife and I just wanted you to know we love you.”If you can’t say any of that, then you need to grow up.
That’s it. Those are the two most important things to say.
How to say it
In person is best. Over the phone is horrible, unless you really can’t be there. And then, the next time you see the parent, you better say it again.
If you are comfortable doing so, say it with a hug, too. It seems like our society is too cool for physical displays of friendship and support these days (although oddly enough, public lewd acts of ‘love’ seem to be accepted and even applauded. Go figure.) But trust me, a hug can help.
Another way to say it is in a letter. One of the most touching things anybody did for me was a letter.
I have a neighbor up and around the block. He’s an older gentleman and I have never known him well. A few days or a week after we lost Spencer he came by our place. Now, he’s old, so even though it’s only a block and a half away, he drove his giant old-guy sedan over and handed me a letter. In his letter, he expressed his love and sorrow for us, and he told the story of how he had lost his first son, too. There were many similarities between his story and my life. I cannot begin to express how grateful I was and am that he took the time to reach out.
You can also say it with service (along with the actual verbal saying it.) When we lost Spencer, people kept bringing dinners by, and I didn’t cook for a month, which was beyond helpful. We had neighbors, friends, and fellow churchgoers clean our house, rake the leaves from our yard, babysit our daughter for an hour or two, and do a bunch of other little stuff that really added up.
What not to say
- Advice.
If you have not also lost a child, your advice will be deemed as worthless. It doesn’t matter if it’s fantastic advice. Unless a parent actually asks you for it, don’t do it. Even then, it’s better to start it out with “I don’t know, but I’ve heard that _____ helps.” or “I wonder if it wouldn’t help to…” In general, its better to just avoid giving advice altogether. - Anything that starts with “At least you still have…” or “At least you didn’t…”
Anything you say to try to help the bereaved parents “put things in perspective” will only piss them off. Trust me on this one. They will probably hate you forever if that’s the kind of stuff you tell them. I know you think you’ve got a good point. Maybe you do. Maybe it’s even an excellent point. It doesn’t matter. It will not help the parents at all, ever.
Listen
The bereaved parent may want to talk about her(or his) loss, and she may not. Respect her wishes. Don’t pry and prod if she seems hesitant. If she does want to talk about it, just shut up and listen. Even if she says stuff that’s illogical (which they probably will.) You don’t need to correct her about any details (unless they ask) or criticize her actions in any way. Just bite your tongue and pay attention.
It’s been shocking to me how many people are incapable of just listening. My wife’s been interrupted dozens of times with advice, old wives tales, and other useless stuff. I don’t get interrupted, as I just talk over other people anyway (bad habit.)
I’ve heard this complaint over and over again from bereaved parents. Don’t be an angry story at the next group support meeting. Just listen.
Talk again
It will be a long time before the parent(s) will heal, and they may never heal completely. If at all possible, be sure to check up with the parents from time to time.
The loss of a child damages and destroys a lot of friendships. That’s just the way it is. The bereaved parents quite often have difficulty making new friends. It is really hard to reach out when you’re suffering. The end result is that six months later, one or both parents feel utterly forgotten by the world. People were nice, really nice that first month. After that, nothing. The occasional hello in the store, phone call, or visit “just to say hi” can make a world of difference.
Don’t worry. Parents who have lost a child will not always need to talk about it. But they do need social interaction, no matter what. So even if the first couple of visits are uncomfortable and there is lots of crying, don’t give up.
Just a note: unless the parent you’re visiting is clearly having a terrible day, just talk to them like you would talk to anybody. You don’t need to bring up the loss every time you see them. You don’t need to cock your head to the side and say in that whispery concerned voice (and with that uber-concerned look on your face,) “How are you?” You just need to make contact.
Just talk
Now, that’s a lot to think about, and you may feel like there’s nothing you can say without getting in trouble. The important thing is that you try. The more people that reach out to a grieving parent, the more likely it is that someone is going to say the perfect thing that they need to hear. You may end up offending them. That’s OK. You have to try.
The world has too much suffering. Let’s do what we can to help each other.
Plus, now you’ve read the article, and you know what to say, anyway. No excuses.
To all those who have experienced the loss of a child
I am so sorry for your loss. I love you, and I share in your pain. If you ever want someone to talk to, please drop me an email (runamuck40 at gmail.com) and I’ll be happy to give you a call. Or if you’re a mother and you’d rather talk to a mother, my wife would be happy to talk.
More info:
October15th.com
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16 Responses to “How to talk to a parent that has lost a child.”
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I’ve never been anything but awestruck by your strength, the way the two of you dealt with something that would have destroyed me. You’re better people than I am, and I’m so glad you found my blog. You’ve made a difference in my life, and I hope I’ve never been a negative in yours. Especially when it was your darkest hour.
God bless you. We love you. I’d hug you guys if I could, bud, believe me.
And good LORD I hope I didn’t give advice or do any of the embarrassing things you listed. If I did, please, PLEASE, forgive me. Seeing it here makes it so obvious and silly-sounding, but I have a big mouth and very often put my foot in it.
Don’t worry, Darc, you’re good. I’ve been grateful for your friendship. I didn’t write this to chastise anybody.
I wrote it because I never knew what to say to others who were passing through a similar trial. Now I know what I needed to hear, and what many other couples have needed to hear. I’ve also spoken to a lot of folks around here that say “I’ve wanted to call you or your wife, but I just didn’t know what to say.”
I also know what angers most grieving parents.
If I’m lucky, someday my little ideas will help somebody. If not, at least I got it off my chest.
Oh Bryce, this was an amazing post, and I’m so thankful you did it. I pray you didn’t encounter any such insensitive people, and I also pray I wasn’t one of them. I know it’s hard to know what to say, when to say it, how to say it; we become insensitive in our race to be sensitive. No other loss prepares us for the loss of a child, and that kind of grief is incomprehensible to most. Not a day has gone by since you lost your little boy that I haven’t thought of you and your wife and daughter, and sent up a prayer for you. I’ve just never known if it’s okay to say that to you. I mean, if I mention it, will it grieve you more to be reminded? Does it grieve you more if people think you just want to put it behind you and move on? (I know you never forget.) It’s like we don’t know how raw the wound still is and will we make it worse if we touch it.
Another blogger I know is a photographer and she just had her first session with NILMDTS (http://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.com) Their website is also very helpful with advice for friends and family of grieving parents.
And if my arms were long enough, I’d so be hugging you and your family. Please consider this an IOU for that time we do meet face to face. *hugs*
As to being reminded, it doesn’t bug me or anything when people ask or bring it up – only when they dig and dig and I don’t feel like talking about it. Or if that’s the only thing they ever ask about.
It’s always ok to pray for me and mine. It has never bothered me when others have told me they pray for us. Unfortunately that’s one thing that hasn’t come up when I’ve spoken to other folks who have lost a child, so I don’t know if it bothers them. Of course, I am very religious, and I appreciate the power of prayer.
That website has some very touching photography. It sounds like a worthwhile organization.
Share operates much the same way, only it’s staffed by parents who have lost a child as opposed to professional photographers. Share takes photos, takes casts of the child’s hand and foot, and quite often donates burial clothes. Anyway, thanks again for the link.
I thank you for posting this and I am so sorry for your loss.
I guess I am looking for words to say or not to say to a greaving family who have just lost their son. I have experienced great loss but I know loss of a child is a totally different kind of loss only understood by those who have had to go through it.
I am so sorry you have had to go through it to give me this advice, but thank you again. xxx
Bryce, this is one of the most touching and informative posts I’ve ever read. IF by circumstance I’ll make sure to give your wife a hug and you a pat on the back. Your conviction and honesty is amazing. My wife has read your blog and your wife’s from front to back and we feel the same about you guys as we do about DarcKnyt and DarcsFalcon, if we can just have some of what makes you guys who you are, we will be blessed.
Bryce,
I’m so sorry for your loss and your wife’s loss.
Thank you for taking the time to share your experiences with others. I came across your post by Googling for “how to talk to a parent who has lost a child.” A random way to find you, but I’m thankful for what you wrote.
My best friend died of cancer at 36, three years ago, and since then I have had such a hard time talking to his Mom about it. My own heart is broken and I still cry very frequently (including yesterday while at the gym…I looked like an idiot, I’m sure). So I can only imagine the pain that his parents carry. I think I’m fortunate that I truly cannot comprehend that kind of pain and sense of loss. And I know that my own grieving process is unpredictable – sometimes I want to talk about Scott, sometimes I do not – so I’m always wary of bringing it up with his Mom without knowing whether I might cause more tears and possibly hurt more than help.
But your post gave me the confidence to send her an email (long distance) to her to let her know that I am always here for her to talk to if she wants, and that I was and continue to be sorry for their loss and the burden that remains from their loss, and of course, that I love her as a second mother to me.
Though I don’t know you, I feel the same for you. Although I suspect you might make a scary-looking second mother.
Thank you, blessings for you and your wife, and I’m wishing for you both right now a bit of peace and content.
Bryce, I wish there had been something like this years ago. Thank you for writing this.
February 21, 1999 (my birthday of all things) I too lost my son at 7 months. My friends and family where not very suportive and I don’t know if they just didn’t understand or if they cared. The only ‘advice’ and ‘helpful words’ I got where “She (my girlfriend) was a whore” and “It was probably for the best, as she was using drugs and the baby may not have had a good life”. I guess people, even your close friends, don’t realize how hurtful they can be. Yes, it may have been true, my girlfriend was doing drugs while pregnant (something I wish I had able to detect, if only I had been more observant) and yes my son ‘may’ have had health problems, but he was my son and I didn’t want to hear someone else say that to me.
Sorry about the long comment and the bad words.
Thank you again,
ZH.
I love you guys: For the strength of your love for each other and the coherence of your advice. I wish some of the folks had read and understood your advice before talking to my wife, other bereaved friends or I.
It was Sept 12 2009 That I watched my 7 year drown.Helpless because I can’t swim I watch as her life disappear yell help me mommy.At the creek they pull her lifeless body from the water.She was pronounce die at 12:24 p.m. Now it been 7 months as the days pass more depressed i get because her birthday is monday March 1. Please help me.
I am so sorry to read this, I am speechless. I can only imagine the feelings you went and are going through…
Amen, and I say again, AMEN. I lost my middle son at age 11, could not believe how many idiots made the comment “at least you still have two other boys” as if any child could be easily replaced.
Your advice is right on target, and those who have never lost a child cannot fathom the despair and agony the living another day without the child is.
The advice I’ve given to people who don’t know what to say is simple, “Shut the Hell up before you say something stupid.”
As one grieving parent to another, I am truly sorry for you loss.
Hi Thank you so much for this information! I just lost my nephew a few weeks ago. and my sister is having such a hard time and when she comes to talk to me i don’t know what to say that is why i looked this up and was pleased to know what to do and say because i was feeling that i was saying the wrong thing(.” which after reading i think i was” )
Thanks again! Eva Sorry for your loss
I have a friend who died from a bus accident. I saw her mother grieving everyday and I don’t know how to comfort her.
my best friends sister lost thier 2 year old girls thay were 2 1/2 from a drowning> Iam staying with them tx for the article it helps
One of my close friends just lost her child in an accident, at least now I now how to comfort her.