-The hospital was a two story brick job, and judging by the color choice and the wear, it was last painted sometime in the seventies.- Here, the comma before “and” is acceptable (I think) because of the whole “because of this, then this” method of thought.

-The windows were small, and gave the place an old institutional look.- Here, the comma before “and” is out of place.

I have seen this a few times, but just now thought to post anything about it. For the record, I am not 100% sure about the first example.

I actually post most chapters raw. Sometimes I’m just better at writing than others.

This isn’t a bad or sleepy piece, I just meant this is another eased pace installment. Don’t think it’s boring, it’s not. I’ve always enjoyed your writing, and despite what I said above, this is no exception. Your style is clear, tight, very readable and enjoyable. All of that comes through.

Also, I somehow missed the part in your preamble about how you posted this raw, unedited. I’m sorry I didn’t catch that, because I had time yesterday (Friday) to help you edit, and would’ve been happy to do so.

Sorry again, Bryce. This isn’t awful, and I don’t want to come off sounding like it is. As always, if I offend, please forgive me. I was genuinely trying to help, and sometimes I think I’m just a jerk that way.

Anyway, one thing for sure, I’m excited about next week. I like the direction this is taking, and I can’t wait for some confrontations with zombie ETs.

I’ve fixed the typos you mentioned in the text above, and made a bunch of changes in my master copy of the story in an effort to stamp out the passive voice stuff. I may post the redone chapter before next Friday.

Thanks again. I really appreciate your input.

Not much to say; this is a transitional scene, it’s hard to comment. It’s moving along, and I’m looking forward to more next week!

Now, your favorite part. First, typos:

The windows were small, and game the place an old institutional look.
“gave”

“…Tell me what going on with the hospital while I look at your hand.”
“what’s”

I sat down the cooler and …
“sat down ON the cooler”? “SET down the cooler”? Writer’s choice, I reckon.

“…They said they’re keep the door locked until they can get a shipment of supplies.”
“keepING” or “going to keep”

“…superglue or anything, so there’s no much I can do for you.”
“not”

“…And if the supply truck doesn’t get here, well-“
I’m pretty sure if he’s trailing off, this should be an ellipsis. The em dash indicates he was cut off.

I couldn’t believe how shallow she being.
Okay, this is an awkward sentence; I think you should consider re-wording, but this would be better stated along the lines of “I couldn’t believe her selfishness.” In addition, in light of her actions, I thought CORBIN showed the most selfishness here. I think he made a pretty drastic leap, and would like to see something trip him over to believe London’s about to be selfish. Corbin hides his ego and egocentricity behind being a nurse and “helping” people, but it looks in THIS scene like perhaps it’s just to make HIMSELF feel better about who he is. Just sayin’, I didn’t see anything in London’s behavior to make him start down this road in the first place.

“Liston to me, you idiot…
“Listen”

Okay, that’s it for typos. I’d suggest a pass through the word processor’s search and replace feature. You’ve got a LOT of passive verb forms in this one, B; “to be” forms are heavy, and there’s a fair amount of past perfect usage too. I’d love to see you run through and solidify some of those (okay, most of those) with basic simple past-tense forms. It’ll add to the action.

If you want specific examples let me know, I’ll see if I can help. This chapter’s pretty thick with ‘em though.