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The Journey of St. Laurent, Chapter 55

Author’s note:

If you have read Oasis, I could use a favor. I’m redoing the website for Oasis, and I need a few short blurbs from readers. I got a couple from twitter earlier today (and thanks for that, you know who you are) but I could use a few more. I just need a sentence or so telling the world how much Oasis has changed your life for the better. Just use the contact page or tweet me (@BryceBeattie) if you’re inclined to help me out.

For those of you who have never read any of the Journey Of St. Laurent before: You are now reading an online serial pulp novel. If you didn’t start at the beginning, you may want to do so. Chapter 1:  Down By The Bay. In fact, if you are new to the site, you probably want to start with the first novel, Oasis. If you want to know just as soon as I’ve posted something new, you can watch the RSS feed or follow me on Twitter.

Thanks Mal, Devin, and DarcKnyt for commenting last chapter.

55: Green Tide

I spun around.

Over the renewed ringing in my ears, I heard the familiar and comforting click-clack of a shotgun slide being worked.

The upset table and other random debris tripped me up on my way back to the doorway.

A red headed angel with fiery green eyes stood in the center off the corridor with her shotgun raised and ready to battle.

A smile crossed my lips.

At the end of a hall, a crowd of aliens was falling all over themselves to get back past the turn and thus out of London’s line of fire. As they retreated, they left behind the one London had tagged in the face with that first shot.

The alien twitched and bled.

Across the hall the door was wide open. Rhett lay on what appeared to be an exam table. If he heard or even noticed the chaos out in the hall, he did nothing to acknowledge it. His eyes were open, but glazed over and rolled back. From his lips poured a steady groan.

It won’t be long, now.

“Listen up, futuristic screwheads!” London took two steps forward. “This is my BOOM stick!”

The last of the crowd disappeared from view. Immediately two guards appeared in their wake. They appeared carrying their rifles, but they didn’t have them up and ready to go. They didn’t stand a chance against the feminine fury that stood next to me.

Rhett was right. The invaders had technology like crazy, but they didn’t have tactical training worth squat.

The shotgun roared again.

A chunk of the first alien’s neck vanished and its body crumpled to the floor.

The second alien didn’t even try to fight back. It spun on its heels.

London chambered another shell.

The alien couldn’t get enough traction to sprint clear.

London pulled the trigger again. The buckshot punched the alien in the side.

The alien stumbled and collided with the wall on its left, then dropped to one knee. It fumbled to cover its probably-broken ribs and scrambled to its feet. The black jumpsuit may have stopped the shot from chewing a hole through its body, but it must have felt like being hit with a baseball bat.

New cries of excitement swelled from up ahead. Despite the fact that I couldn’t understand a single word, the meaning was unmistakable. Horror.

London crouched and picked up a few of the shells I had dropped earlier. “What’s going on?”

“I think the alien that I bit just woke up.” I pulled my pistol from its holster.

“Woke up? What’s that supposed-”

Rhett’s tortured voice screamed out.

I glanced through the doorway to my left.

Rhett rolled to his right, fell off the exam table, and curled up into a ball on the floor.

“Rhett!” London took a step toward the door.

I caught her arm. “I need you here.”

I looked back down the hallway just in time to see three green heads round the corner.

My finger twitched involuntarily on the trigger.

The shot was wide, but it still had a definite impact.

The three aliens backpedaled as more of them swarmed into view.

I fired twice more into the crowd.

The mob turned on itself. On our end, the aliens pushed and shoved backward seeking to evade our gunfire. Somewhere beyond our view the other end of the crowd frantically fled from what I hoped was the first virus-infected alien zombie. If there were any guards left, they were being smashed in the center of the insanity.

London worked three rounds into the magazine.

It was clear to me that our end of the crowd was losing the giant push-of-war. My mind flashed through a bunch of options: hide in one of the close rooms, stay and shoot it out, flee to the unlit labyrinth… none of them were sounding ideal.

I checked behind me for the trio that had gone for more supplies. “Let’s back up to the end of this corridor. You keep watching this way, and I’ll make sure we’re not surprised from behind.”

London nodded.

I turned around and raised my gun.

We worked our way back fifteen feet or so.

I heard a renewed roar from the mob. Whatever’s on the other end must be pretty scary.

The shotgun boomed again.

London and I picked up the pace.

We were a good halfway down the corridor when the dam broke.

London fired one last time and yelled, “Run for it!”

I looked back.

The aliens trying to get away from us were pushed over and trampled down by the larger crowd behind them. The massive green wave of wide-eyed aliens flooded into the corridor. If they noticed us, they didn’t seem to let it slow them down.

That was enough for me. I didn’t need to be told again.

We booked it down the hall.

The frenzied shouts behind us sounded like they were gaining.

I pointed toward the left with my gun and did my breathless best to yell. “Back the way we came!”

We burst around the corner.

Up ahead about thirty feet the trio of guards from before hustled our direction. Two of them carried boxes and the third carried a lantern and a rifle.

My heart pounded. I thrust my pistol forward and fired.

I didn’t hit anything, but all three aliens recoiled and stumbled.

Almost in unison, London and I let out our best battle screams and redoubled our sprinting efforts.

Before the aliens ahead of us could recover, the madness behind us turned the corner.

We blasted right on by the stunned guards.

Hoping to divert the swarm, I dangled my gun behind me and emptied the clip without looking. The barrel flash lit the ever darkening hallway for half a heartbeat.

The crowd behind us thinned, slowed, and scattered.

My lungs burned and my legs screamed in complaint.

“Up there, right before the turn.”

As soon as London said it, I squinted and saw it. A doorway.

We ran through the doorway just as we would have if we had been taking the turn.

I searched through my untorn cargo pocket until I got hold of one of the spare clips for my gun. I performed a clumsy reload and let the slide lock back into place.

London stood and covered the door with her shotgun.

I knelt near her feet and followed suit. My breath came in heavy, burning gasps. I felt my heartbeat in my left temple.

A few seconds later a group of aliens rushed by our door without looking in. After that, the deafening noise of the crowd drifted into distant echoes and we were left in darkness.

Our green skinned pursuers seemed to be more interested in getting away than finding us, so we sat down against the wall.

“So, that’s your boom stick, huh?”

She shrugged. “I’ve always wanted to have a reason to say that.”

I stood but wobbled on my legs. “You are probably the best grade school teacher ever. Ever.”

“True, but why do you think that?”

I noticed a warm trickle down my left side, but tried to push the thought of it away. “You’re a redhead, you’re hot, you’re smart, you’re crazy good with firearms, and you quote Army of Darkness.”

“You know, if I had a nickel for every time..”

I didn’t hear the rest, because I lost consciousness.


Keep reading! Chapter 56 is here.

 

Posted: June 3, 2011
Tags: Tags: , , ,
Category: fiction

Comments (11 Responses)

June 3rd, 2011 DarcKnyt

Niiice! I liked this one. Some gunfire, passing out, aliens terrorized it the dark… this episode has it all! Corbin’s in real trouble now, and somewhere in the inky tunnels a zombie alien is prowling, followed closely by a former man named Rhett. Too bad about him. I’d hoped Corbin could find a cure or something before it got him.

Nice bit of drama. I mention this only in passing because, for all I know, the rest of the book has been this way too, but this one seemed to have a bit more tell than show in some places.

But more on that later. Right now, I found this typo:

A red headed angel with fiery green eyes stood in the center off the corridor with her shotgun raised and ready to battle.
I think you meant “of” here.

Now then. Where was I? Oh, that’s right…show vs. tell.

The last of the crowd disappeared from view. Immediately two guards appeared in their wake. They appeared carrying their rifles, but they didn’t have them up and ready to go. They didn’t stand a chance against the feminine fury that stood next to me.
I found this to be you telling me what’s happening, not showing me what’s happening. There’s an element of visual clarity missing, and most of the time in action scenes that’s fine. But here it’s devoid of imagery to the point of being sterile. A twisting knot of wiry green limbs and silver-shimmering body suits wiggled up the corridor out of sight… for instance. The crowd parted like water around a boulder in a stream, and the guards popped clear with their guns hanging useless at their sides… See what I mean? Maybe I’m being TOO fussy now, but thought I’d bring it up because I think you’re going strong here and don’t want to see you make a mistake by becoming too spartan in the feel. Pulpy? Fine. Spartan, not so much. Hope this helps.

Oh, and the feminine aspect of the final sentence in that paragraph could be eliminated. I think you’ve portrayed London as a strong person, and her womanhood has nothing to do with her fury. Just sayin’.

If you want more examples of what I mean by telling instead of showing, let me know. You don’t want to kill the pace, but the story’s richness can’t suffer either.

Or maybe I’m cracked and it’s fine.

You will, however, want to see out those “to be” verbs and eliminate them when you have a chance. I noticed they’re creeping back in. ;)

Another terrific entry, B! Happy weekend! Hope there’s more Friday!

June 3rd, 2011 DarcKnyt

UGH. Okay, NOW I see the <b> tag doesn’t work either. :( I love this theme — it’s easy on my aging and already-poor eyesight — but the CSS needs tweaking.

June 4th, 2011 Bryce Beattie

DarcKnyt – I only use <strong> and <em> and not <b> and <i>, so when I built the theme, I didn’t even think to add the b & i selectors to the css. Oh, well. It’s fixed now. Thanks for the heads up. Also, have you played with the font sizer button yet? I was totally proud of myself for that one.

re: feminine fury. I’ve really learned to love alliteration lately and I just can’t stop myself. I think I need help.

And on the other stuff – thanks. I hope editing this bad boy doesn’t kill me.

June 4th, 2011 Devin Obenshain

got to tell you brice that first off i couldnt baleive the cliff hanger you left on this chapter. asn i got to say that the thing i use most of your altering website is being able to change the fount size. glad to see the thatteh zombie r back,im loving it. till next chapter good luck dude.

June 6th, 2011 DarcKnyt

Y’know, B, I didn’t even SEE the font size button. That’s pretty sweet. You SHOULD be proud of yourself for that one.

Great job, and editing NOW is better than producing a print book with typos and errors in it, right? *coughOASIScough*

;) Keep up the great work. :)

June 7th, 2011 Bryce Beattie

You know, I opened up Oasis the other day and found two typos on the front page. I’m reading through it now again seeing if any more typos pop out at me, since I think I’ll be doing a new paperback edition (with the new cover) before I release Journey.

June 7th, 2011 Mal

cant wait for next chapter! ^_^

June 7th, 2011 Noah L

Very nice chapter! I certainly don’t have all the feedback that DK has, but I will say that it seemed odd to read that London “worked” the action and then “worked” rounds into the magazine and then they “worked” their way down a corridor in fairly rapid succession. I liked the “feminine fury” bit, by the way–it might have something to do with my redheaded wife :P –although the end bit seems a bit cheesy, even though you did make it entertaining with the Army of Darkness comment, haha.

June 8th, 2011 DarcKnyt

Bryce, as long as you’re addressing typos and such, I can work with you on the editing and stuff (although this will likely have to wait until July so I can get past the non-fic project I’m drowning in). Let me know.

Also, take a look at the formatting of Oasis too. There are lots of issues with it from page numbering to justification. I don’t have the book in front of me to tell you exactly where those problems are physically, but you shouldn’t have trouble finding them.

Let me know if there’s anything else you can do.

June 27th, 2011 Nicole

Is anyone else having trouble getting to chapter 56? It keeps putting me back on 55! :(

June 27th, 2011 Bryce Beattie

Whoops, my bad. The link is now fixed.

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