Action Adventure Fiction

Something is definitely wrong.

Here’s a screenshot of part of my current spam email folder. Click on it to see it full size. See if you can tell what’s wrong.

Just in case you were wondering, I don’t speak Russian. I can’t remember ever visiting a Russian website, or posting on a Russian forum. I wish there was a way to explain to the senders that there’s even less chance of me buying their product, whatever it is, than there is of me buying from the crappy Rolex knockoff ads that come to me in English.

I think as a matter of vengeance, in my next book I’ll write in a Russian spammer that dies a horrible, disgusting, ignominious death.

Now, if the spam came in Portuguese, that’d be another story.

One of the places we stopped on our vacation was the Phoenix Mystery Castle. I’d highly recommend visiting if you’re ever in the area.

It was built in the 1930’s by a man named Boyce Gulley. Well, at least it was started in the thirties. He worked on it for something like 15 years.

It all started when Mr. Gulley of Seattle, WA found out he had tuberculosis. He disappeared that day, never again to see his wife or three year old girl. He ended up in Phoenix. He started building a house on a mining claim, which, of course, he had to mine a little each year to keep. He had always promised his little girl that he would someday build her a castle.

He built the house out of whatever he could find freely/cheaply. You’ll see a few pictures as we go on.

Anyway, about fifteen years after Boyce had left, a lawyer showed up on the doorstep of his long-estranged wife and daughter with a message: Mary Lou Gulley (the daughter) was now the owner of a Castle her father had built in Phoenix.

By the way, Boyce Gulley apparently beat tuberculosis and ended up dying of cancer.

Here’s a couple of highlights:

Mary Lou Gulley still lives there. Her bedroom is the only room that is off the tour. We were told that this was so we didn’t disturb her feline friend “Cleocatra.” She wasn’t giving tours on the day we went, but she was up and about. The tour starts in the main living room area of the house, and as we were ready to start the tour, some of the folks that were supposed to be in our group were standing around talk a ways away from the rest of us. Mary Lou gave them to the count of ten to get with the rest of the group.

This is the main living room where we started the tour. As you can see, there are stuffed animals all over the place. Also a whole bunch of rocks painted to look like animals. The portrait on the wall is of the builder.

Here’s another of Mary Lou’s myriad stuffed attractions.

An interesting way to fix a broken window at the mystery castle. I have no idea if this was Mary Lou’s or Boyce’s doing.

The Many of the rooms in the Phoenix Mystery Castle aren’t connected by such standard, boring things as hallways. There’s this big open area in between two sections of the upstairs. In the upper left you can see part of a bizarre little staircase that leads to the roof/veranda known as the “Mother-In-Law’s Room.” You’ll see a picture of that staircase again in just a moment.

Also, in the lower right of the picture, you can see my fat self.

You may notice a fireplace in several of the pictures. The house has a total of 18 rooms and 13 fireplaces. Take special note of the broken bottles and other random items used as part of the wall.

Much of the brick around the house is malformed and looks melty. Mr. Gulley got all of that brick for free, as they were rejects. Nowadays, that brick is called “architectural interest” and costs much more than standard brick.

Here’s that staircase closer up.

There was a room that had a whole bunch of pants nailed to the ceiling like this. I’m not exactly sure what that’s all about.

I didn’t get a good picture of this, but it’s Mr. Gulley’s bed. His room has two levels, and his bed is on rails so that it slides underneath the upper level. Also on the upper level is a couch given to him by Frank Loyd Wright.

A better picture of the rails. Also a neat cactus mosaic on the floor.

The fireplace in the chapel room. Sorry folks, Mary Lou stopped letting people schedule weddings in here a few years ago. You’ll have to find someplace else to get married.

A shoe rack and a shoe from said rack in the back of the chapel room. The sign on the shelf reads,

In the chapel
If the bride
Leaves one shoe
Then forever will
The groom be true

There chapel is like right next to the cantina/saloon room, which I thought was a natural fit.

The bar was made from an actual wagon that was sawed in half. The light you see in the back is one of (I think) six skylights that light the cantina. I thought the Christmas lights added a touch of class to the joint.

There is a lot of the house that is unfinished. Especially in this lower level. There’s a huge pile of dirt down there where Boyce had been digging before his death.

These are the guards to the dungeon of the castle. the alligator’s foot is on the door. Our guide told us that the cellar has a tunnel to the old mine and there are parts of it that haven’t been explored since Mary Lou inherited the house.

These are not glass bricks. At least they weren’t made to be glass bricks. You probably don’t remember this, but before tupperware hit the scene, people used glass dishes to store food in the refrigerator. Apparently, Mr. Gulley bought a whole bunch of them at a super closeout price. The house is full of such windows.

As far as I could tell, there are no interior staircases in the Phoenix Mystery Castle. To go from floor to floor, you have to leave the house and then come back in.

Exterior art at the Phoenix Mystery Castle.

My wife and a cactus in the yard.

I of course left out more than I put in to this little review. The Phoenix Mystery Castle is a great place to visit, especially if you’re like me, who likes Ripley’s Believe-It-Or-Not museums better than Disneyland. And the tour is only $5 a person. (Currently, that is. Who knows what the future holds?) So next time you’re in Phoenix, check it out and let me know what you think.

Here’s something to keep you occupied for about a minute.

Have you ever been in a heated discussion about “which would work better in a fight?” You know - Taikwondo vs. Kenpo, rapier vs. katana, AR-15 vs AK-47. Or perhaps “who would win?” - Darth Vader vs. Captain Kirk, Superman vs Spiderman

Well my brother would like to illustrate such a conflict and answer once and for all:

“Who would win, a guy with a sword, or a giant killer banana?”

My brother’s the one with the sword.

You are welcome. Yes, I told him he should add exciting music.

I was recently tagged with a blog meme. If you don’t know what a meme is, basically it’s a blog post chain letter. Anyway, here are the rules for this one.

1. Write your own six word memoir
2. Post it on your blog and include a visual illustration if you’d like
3. Link to the person that tagged you in your post and to this original post if possible so we can track it as it travels across the blogosphere
4 .Tag five more blogs with links
5. And don’t forget to leave a comment on the tagged blogs with an invitation to play!

I’m not going to tag anybody, because I’m a spoil sport. But if you want to do this on your blog, go ahead and play like I tagged you.

OK, now on to my memoir.

At first I came up with-

Destroyed my enemies, loved my friends.

But then I decided to use something that resembled my real life.

Embracing family, friends, food, fun and…

I figured my memoir should match my fiction writing style and leave you hanging.

If you live in a super Tuesday state like me, I’d highly suggest you getting off your butt and voting in the primaries today. And please vote for whoever you think will do the best job. Choosing the lesser of two evils just because they have a better chance of winning is weak and irresponsible.

There, I said it.

I really don’t know what I could say about these photos that would match my feelings. This is a house in my neighborhood. Sorry about the fuzzyness. With the flash on, it washed out most of the fun. With the flash off it got blurry. And it was way more creepy and awesome at night than during the day.

Merry Christmas, all.

P.S. This was actually last year. This year they only have up one lonely snowman. Bah Humbug.

P.P.S. And yes, there will be an Oasis chapter this week.

I was watching a movie the other day, and I realized something.

When the poop hits the fan, there is one survivor skill you will always need.

No matter what’s going on in your life: you need to stop a terrorist, you’re being hunted by the FBI/mafia/Girl Scouts, you are looking for a long buried treasure, giant robots are battling in the street, you’re being chased by zombies, you realize that you really do love that girl and she just walked out or anything else, it doesn’t matter.

No other skill will save you as often or as efficiently.

It doesn’t matter if you can hack a computer, fight with a sword, sweet-talk like nobody’s business, or make a bomb out of everyday objects. In fact, those things are nice, but at the end of the day, if you don’t also have the one survival skill, you’re toast.

Here is the secret, according every single action movie filmed over the past ten years:

If you want to survive anything, you’d better well rush out and buy yourself a pair of… running shoes. And you’d better start running every morning.

Running is the one survival skill.

When all else fails, your legs are the key to your survival. The ability to run at a dead sprint for long stretches of time is the one skill all modern action heroes share.

I could go on about why, but I think the point is best proven by example:

The Bourne Movies: Holy crap, Jason Bourne can run. I mean, I think he averaged 5.73 on-screen running miles per movie. He does have a number of other useful skills: hacking cell phones, using anything as a weapon, etc., but he always goes back to the old standby: running. And it seems to have kept him alive this far.

Casino Royale: Even James Bond has to book it. Generally it’s to catch a terrorist (the guy with the backpack, the guy who’s going to blow up the plane)

Transformers: Giant robots are destroying the city. Cars and debris are flying everywhere. Megatron is awake and pissed. The valiant Autobots are sacrificing themselves left and right, and what does the fate of mankind come down to? That’s right, the kid’s ability to beat cheeks over to the white building with statues on it, and then run up all 700 flights of stairs.

National Treasure: Question- How are you going to escape the bad guys chasing you, your new girlfriend and your plucky comic relief through the streets/markets of Philadelphia? That’s right, you run.

Blood & Chocolate: Scary people release the comic book artist into the forest and turn into wolves. It’s a good thing the boy can run. And run. And run. As a side note, I’d just like to say it’s slightly embarrassing to admit that I actually watched this movie.

The Incredibles: The whole family does a lot of running, down corridors, away from giant robots, through forests…

And going back in time a little-

Indiana Jones: Giant boulder, anyone?

Jurassic Park: Lots of running from those pesky thunder lizards.

I think I’ve made my point? Where have you guys seen the one survival skill in action?

Two months or so ago I was named a winner in an informal contest done by James Brausch on his internet business blog.

I was beginning to think that I had been forgotten and that I would have to write a post asking all of you what you think I should do about it. Maybe I would have offered some kind of undisclosed prize to the best commenter. Yeah, that would have been delicious irony. You know, because the contest James did was because it looked like a prize he was about to win was going to be taken unfairly from him… oh, nevermind.

Anyway, never fear, James is a man of his word and I was not forgotten.

After months of patient waiting by the door for my prize to arrive, my wife found a box hidden in our garage. UPS hid it there a full 5 days before she found it. I’m not exactly sure what possessed them to think the garage was the best place to deliver a package, but hey, that doesn’t matter in the long run does it?

What matters is that I finally got my major award! (That’s what I had taken to call it before it arrived.)

The prize is a box full of copies of one of his products, “How To Earn An Income By Creating Your Own DVD…”

As it ends up, I only need one for myself, so I’ve got to figure out what to do with the others. If you have any ideas, let me know.

For starters, I’m going to make a bunch of them available this weekend at a fraction of James’s retail price.

He sells the DVD for a cool $100 (you can see it here), and I figure 65% is a pretty sexy discount, so I’ll send you a copy for $35, and I’ll even pick up the shipping. If you want one, just click the buy now button below.

And just so you know, I spent an hour or so coding something so that if you click the “Buy Now” button and I’ve sold all of the ones I’m making available, you won’t be redirected to Paypal. You’ll just get a nice “Sorry, you’re too slow” message. Monday I’ll disable the button.

And don’t worry, Friday will still bring with it the next of Corbin St. Laurent’s many trials in Oasis: Chapter 31.

Ok, two quick pictures. The first is me and my daughter, Katie. She actually had a cute little Cinderella headband, but she refused to wear it most of the time. The pregnant pirate is my wife, Aurora.  The picture doesn’t really show off her pirate coat too well, though. It was awesome.

Never fear, the week’s tomfoolery is over. Corbin St. Laurent will be back tomorrow, learning for the umpteenth time that life just isn’t fair.

Online Serial Fiction

Sandy Copeland left a message on a recent chapter of Oasis. Apparently Sandy is also writing serial fiction. Here’s a link to Chapter 1, Part 1 of his story. Actually, I’m not sure if Sandy is the author’s name or the just main character’s or both. What other online serials are out there?

Doc Savage Winner

Congrats to Glenn. I’m sending him the Doc Savage novel “The Annihilist.” After reading it, Glenn will no longer be satisfied by second-rate action heroes (like Jason Bourne, James Bond, Batman…), although I hope he keeps reading Oasis anyway.

Red Alert

In random news, somewhere between half and three-quarters of all my spam is now coming to me in Russian.

I’m Losing My Fingernail

I shmooshed it while changing a tire for a friend. Now it’s all black and starting to come off. Just thought you should know.

Oasis In Paperback

I’ve been asked by several people if I’m going to attempt to get Oasis published. The answer is yes. I am currently planning to do a few edits after I’ve finished and then self-publish via lulu.com or somewhere similar. Unless somebody mysteriously offers some great publishing deal between here and there. (My definition of great publishing deal = pretty much anything)

Halloween

My wife, daughter, and I went to two Halloween parties over the weekend. My wife used to work in a costume shop for a theater, and I’m just a nerd, so we spent a lot of time on our costumes this year. Maybe if you’re lucky, I’ll put up pictures of our costumes her in a couple of days.

Amusing Spam

My wife got an amusing piece of spam the other day. This is what it said:

Three houses in your neighborhood have had high amounts of spiritual activity. Our instruments show strange energy radiating directly from your home.

Please dont wait until it is too late!

***Scum-sucking spammer url deleted here***

Click Here to find out if your house is Haunted.

For some reason I just thought that was funny.